Just Tuesday

Just got back from a work meeting, the regular second-Tuesday-of-the-month meeting and there was nothing new. Those are good.

Now I'm just taking a little lunch break from cleaning this house. Surprisingly it's not too bad clutter/mess wise so I'm taking advantage of Dominic being in daycare and doing the dusting, mopping and vacuuming. He is sweet and loves to help which makes a bigger mess and takes twice as long. But I really can't complain, he's such a sweet kid. I hope he will still want to help me when he can actually do the chores correctly! :)

In other news, I found an apartment yesterday. It's affordable, cute, really close to my work and literally around the corner from the best elementary school in town. I went to talk to the managers and get an application and left feeling so happy and hopeful. Things have been so tense and awful between Eric and I and this little act made me feel like I have some power in my life.

When Eric came home I told him that I had found an apartment and thought he would be happy. Or at least pleasantly pleased. I had previously told him I wouldn't be the one to leave the relationship, that I couldn't do that to D and his response was "I figured as much, you're gonna stick around and milk off me as much as you can." Well, that wasn't how I was looking at it but, whatever. So I was surprised when he accused me of sticking him with the house, leaving him to sell it then taking half of the money. I swear, he's gone bonkers.

He took a bit of a nap and was better when he woke up. I explained to him that we should separate while we're still semi civil to each other and that this is the perfect opportunity for me and to get D into the school's day care and kindergarten program. He mulled it over for a while and later in the evening asked me with sad eyes if this is what I really wanted to do. I told him the truth: NO! It's not what I want to do but it's obvious that we aren't going to make our marriage work and so now I have to put all my focus on D. TRY to do what would be best for him, even though I don't think this is what's best for him. That doesn't make any sense, does it?

I'm still confused, scared and worried. But the relief that I felt when I walked out of that apartment makes me think that maybe this is what's right. No child should be living with two screaming parents. I should know, my parents "stayed for the kids" and it was hell. When E and I are fighting and D steps in between us telling us "Stop it, stop it, don't be mad" in his little sweet voice it just rips me up. So which situation will do the least damage?

Ok, I have to stop thinking about it for a while. Now that the front areas of the house are clean I'll work on the back. That should help.